Fragments
by EllieRose101
Summary: Journal extracts and poems, set over time, from both Spike and Buffy. (Rated M for use of strong language.)
1. Fragments

Spike had a tiny leather bound book that he kept in his back pocket – always – through his life, through his death, and transformation. He had it when he got his soul, and when he lost his life, the second time. On the pages inside were his words. Tucked under the cover was a folded up note from his Slayer, that she left beside him as he slept, not long before they were ripped apart. It was the only thing that held him together, in the dark days before their reunion. Here are some extracts.

**Change**

Freedom – O, bloody freedom!

This thing I've found

This thing that damns me

Never be whole again

Never want to be

Suits me fine

For I'm not alone in it

* * *

**Mother**

I miss you

My heart aches

I'm sorry - Forever sorry

Never good enough

My words mean nothing now

* * *

**Dru**

My dark, wicked plum

My salvation and curse

My –

_[this part remains unfinished, or obscured, but is continued on another page]_

Drusilla.

Everything I have is yours

But you're not mine

Will never be mine

_'Daddy_' is death incarnate

Fuck.

* * *

[Untitled Page]

The Slayer has ruined fucking everything!

Sat in a fucking wheelchair, with nothing to do all day but read back over bloody buggering scraps of paper that don't mean a damn! That girl – woman – is everywhere. She'll be the end of me, I swear.

Oh, fuck, I didn't mean to rhyme that. Sod it all.

Poet my arse.

* * *

**Slayer**

The most clever little bint I've known. She must have done this on purpose. Must have. For it's the worst torment. Making me love her, making my body cry out for her and waving it in my face but never letting me touch. Oh, yeah, she's good. Knows just how to kill the enemy.

* * *

**Sunshine**

It floods my soul

Burns me

Takes pleasure in its task

In the goodness it creates within me

In its path to my core

But there's too much left untouched by light

Too much darkness for the sunshine to ever be satisfied

Still, I must burn for it

* * *

**Last Night **

I could have never imagined

Holding you in my arms, in that way

Really having you

I woke up, and knew

What I'd always suspected

That waking up without you there is not an existence I can lead

On this day where we both might die

And the world might end – again

I know I can't live without you


	2. Words

**A/N:**_ Origins of Buffy's letter to Spike (Season 7, Episode 20: 'Touched')_

* * *

Words

Buffy spent a while just looking at Spike before she gently moved away from him. She didn't want to, but the world needed her – again.

Glancing back a final time as she headed for the door she thought, 'He needs me too', and swore under her breath, for the feeling was mutual. That's when she decided to leave him a note, because he'd woken up alone more times than she was comfortable with, and a good few of those times were her fault. So she wrote. And she scored out. And she tried again, only to draw lines through that too.

"Damn, this is hard," she muttered, looking at him again. Her eyes were drawn to him. All of her was drawn to him. She sighed, thankful her scribbling hadn't woken him.

"This is hard," she began to write. "I wanna be honest, and that's the start of it. This thing between us? It's hard. This writing thing? Admitting all the crap we're not saying? Even harder. There's so much I want to tell you. But we both know I can't. I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry about a lot of stuff. Sorry for leaving, but you were right – y'know, about me being right. I think.  
Anyways, I have to check out the Vineyard. Just wanted to say, thank you, William.  
Love, Buffy."

Re-reading what she'd put down on the page, the Slayer sighed again, then crossed out the word 'love'.

"Yup," she said to herself, "Real hard."


	3. Poetry

**A/N:** We all know Buffy took some poetry classes while in college. Well, her interest in the subject grew even more when she read some of the words Spike had penned about her, when she found his journal one day, while cleaning the house they shared. The Slayer was inspired to let out some those things that she'd often thought about, since they got together properly.

She left this in this for him on a blank page:

Gold

You make me feel like gold

When you touch me I'm sure you feel the cold

Hard surface of my hard shell

I don't want to be so unreactive

But it's what I am

Gold

Not so precious these days

When there's so much other gold around

But you look at me, like I'm the crown jewels

And it's enough

You're enough, platinum.

(Sorry this sucks. I'm kind of a rubbish poet, but I love you. Buffy xx)


	4. The Truth

**A/N:** Buffy stopped keeping a diary after everything with Angelus went down. After that, she locked down emotions that even the page couldn't bear. But when Spike died? Boy, could she not hold things back anymore.

This journal extract was written a few weeks after Sunnydale.

* * *

The Truth

The truth is that I loved fighting with him, just as much as he enjoyed it. Not the arguing, or not just that. God, even just bickering with him sometimes could be fun, but that's not what I mean… And I'm not talking about the violence here, either.

Dancing, he called it…

Yeah, dancing.

I liked when we did that.

I miss that.

The truth is that I miss him – like, so much, and I love him. All of him, but right now I wish he was here so we could dance, and laugh, and… God, I hate this.


End file.
